At a birthday party, on a perfect hot spring day in the park, I met some of my partner’s colleagues and their friends. I wore a vintage bowling dress, black tights, and Dr. Martens shoes, and a delicate chain necklace with an extremely tiny lock, which could be opened by a mechanism on the bottom side.
I love wearing chains and locks around my neck as a private way to portray the irreversible experience of breaking my neck in a motorcycle accident. I find it funny like an inside joke, but also it’s meaningful to me and my sense of style.
I saw one open seat at the picnic table full of people I didn’t know, two I’d met once before. There was a drink on the table. Was someone sitting here before? It didn’t matter. Hesitation is useless when meeting new people! Besides, I knew if I didn’t sit down right away my chronic pain would kick my ass later, so I had a good excuse.
You don’t wait for somebody to speak to you, you show up and say: Hi my name is Amani!!! Nice to meet you!!! Eye contact: good. Body language: open. Behavior: genuine.
The people around the table were warm and welcoming, I think, because I offered myself that way first.
A woman sitting across from me looked to be around my age with black hair and a kind smile. Every now and then she chased her friend’s toddler around the grass then sat back down again laughing. She had a floral arm tattoo and then I noticed: she was wearing a delicate chain necklace with the tiniest key I’d ever seen!
I’d never come across another person who cared for tiny replications of every day objects to be strung around their neck as much as I did.
For some reason I was shy suddenly, like I’d waited too long to mention it. The sun glimmered on the sliced watermelons, and the breeze pushed my curls into my eyes, and the smoke from the grill wafted into the trees.
Knowing why I wore my lock, I had the sense she had a meaningful reason to wear a key as well. Was it a key to her own heart, or somebody else’s?
I watched the sun disappear behind the biggest tree and soon enough it was time for me to leave. As I hugged my good byes, I spent a long moment with the woman with black hair. I held up my lock and leaned in close to her. I said, I noticed you have a key to fit perfectly in my lock. Do you think we were fated to meet?
Maybe this was my perception, but we both blushed and giggled like schoolchildren. She offered a compliment back, noticing my jewelry, and started a discussion about a designer we both loved. We had more to talk about suddenly, but I was leaving the party, I had started the conversation too late. Something between us was left unfinished. I regretted not asking for her Instagram handle so I could follow up.
On the car ride home I thought, in a romantic situation what I said would’ve been a great way to flirt. And then I realized, wait a minute, maybe I did flirt! Maybe there’s such a thing as friendship flirting. Just as you would flirt to discover compatibility in a romantic relationship, you would flirt to discover your platonic relationships too.
It made me wonder, is flirting the best way to make friends?
The next day after the party, I took a look through my Instagram DM’s. I’ve met plenty of new people over the years who I’ve wanted to become friends with. Some, I've grown fun and delightful relationships with. Could I see evidence of friendship flirting in my messages?
First I bristled against reading my old messages. It was like seeing old photos of myself as a teenager: I kind’ve wished they didn’t exist.
Too many exclamation points. Too much adoration. Why do I sound sooo nice? OH GAWD am I too nice?
Thanks again, hope we get to hang again soon!
So so so nice to meet youuu!!! It was lovely getting to know you
Hope you had a great first night out from the new baby! If you ever need another distraction let me know 🥰
But then I saw a pattern of unadulterated genuine excitement, and realized it’s silly to worry about being too nice, when at least I’m being myself. The right friends for me will stick around if they like that sort of passion—haha.
You know all those scenes in romance movies or TV shows, where the character asks another character for their phone number, and it’s all terribly romantic and flirty? This is what I was doing too, but to make friends!
So, if you feel compatible after you’ve been introduced to somebody, ask if they’d like to stay connected. Do you want to trade phone numbers? Do you want to follow each other on social media? Then send them a sweet message to show your interest.
It was clear, as I scrolled through my text conversations to the very beginning, friendship flirting in person and online was an important first stage to all of my platonic relationships.
As I tried to define exactly what friendship flirting was, I wondered what other people felt about it. I had to take this public!
I asked the question on my Instagram: How do you “flirt” to make new friends?
All of the anonymous answers were incredible and made me smile:
“I ask people out on dates and give them little gifts.”
“I try to observe for a while to see what they’re proud of, then ask about it or compliment it. Depending on how open they seem.”
“Lots of questions, for sure. I want them to know that I want to know them.”
“Tell them they’re beautiful.”
“I always focus on asking questions on things that I’m genuinely curious about”
“Eye contact!! Gets right to the soul! 💓”
Some folks followed up with me to chat even more about their experiences with making friends. I love what Romane told me about her relatable struggle with “small talk” weariness. Now, she finds success in friendship flirting when she guides the discussion to excite her curiosity:
“I’m autistic so I always struggled with making friends, until I realized I'm actually very interested in understanding people and learning to know them, and if I let myself show my genuine interest without masking, yes, I might ask too personal questions or be too enthusiastic, but after 10 minutes with someone, people always tell me they feel like we've known each other a much longer time, and I love meeting new people now.”
When talking to friends and acquaintances and internet companions, one thing we all had in common was the desire to make a meaningful connection.
So, what is friendship flirting?
the act of sharing a genuine interest in another person
a hope of getting to know another person better
sharing your unique charm with another person to assess compatibility
Let me know in the comments! How do you “flirt” to make new friends?
I loved this Amani and the little anecdote about the lock and key!!! Meant to be!!!! I think making friends is based on flirting!! Because within friendship, whatever intensity, you are seeking a form of love! I think striking out to introduce yourself to people always requires a little level of flirting - the best way to make someone feel comfortable with you (I think) is to say you admire or like something about them! They automatically relax and then it’s much easier to get to know them. I am sad you didn’t get the key’s details. Hopefully you’ll crash paths again soon.
Friendship flirting is my favorite thing to do! I’m making new mom friends I’ve been equally pitching play dates, I bring a single baked good just for them to enjoy and try to send texts like “this made me think of you”. With my other girl friends, it’s compliment volleyball mixed with deep questions like how is this luteal phase treating you? Or what’s something you wanna gush about but haven’t yet lately? As a Libra, all forms of interest and flattery and deep companionship are important to me. Nobody is safe from this emoji 🥹 lol