What do you want to do with your time alive on Earth? For so long I’ve struggled with the answer. I imagine I’m in the woods and a dozen paths criss-cross ahead of me. I’m supposed to choose the best path with no idea where it will lead me, plus they all look the same.
Which path do you choose?
Instead I freeze and cry in a panic, or I sit down to play with a bug, or I wander into the brush to hunt for blackberries, still remaining in the center of the woods with no way out.
Too afraid to waste my time, I do it anyways.
How do you know you’ll work on the right project for years, your college thesis, your novel, your small business? When do you quit your job or leave your marriage or move to another country, or change nothing at all? What is the right answer?
This is one thing people want to know, to put their minds at rest.
These days, I obsess over my career and my contribution to the greater good of humankind. Which direction do I go? What moves do I make? Am I making the wrong choices?
I want to tell myself, there is no right answer, but I won’t believe it, not when I see others making decisions which lead to their personal, communal, or financial success.
This is a case of time management, in the most abstract and practical sense, and it’s been kicking my ass all week. My old friends of Self-doubt and Dread have come to play. Are you sure you’re doing well in your life?
I eat my second banana and drink another cup of Earl Grey while I write and write. I jump from one document to another. A few sentences on the memoir piece I’ve been working on. Another line which makes me chuckle on my never-ending document of ideas. Some dialogue on the literary romance novel. The characters are becoming solid creatures and it terrifies me a little. I’m in the middle of other stories too, a few I’ve gestated for much longer, with even rougher drafts. Suddenly, I panic. Is the romance story worth it? Should I spend the next few years on a different cast of characters? Why am I doubting everything I do? I bounce from one thing to the next until no words inspire me.
Doing something mediocre is better than doing nothing from indecision…isn’t it? I don’t know, I can’t decide!
Underneath all this worry is fear.
A fear you’ll arrive at the end of your career or relationship or big move and realize it was all a waste of your time. Did I make anything good? Did I grow? Was I happy? At least you’re aware your time is precious, this shows a certain level of self-love you should be proud of. But growth and happiness aren’t things you get at the end of working hard—no matter how successful you are—you collect them along the way.
I took a writing workshop class with the author Lauren Groff recently, she says, “The book is not the thing, the process is the thing, the daily work is the thing...You can control the time, the effort, the love. You’ll still cry when you get rejected, but you’ll still be solid because the thing is the work.”
I think Groff’s creative discipline applies to the process of life too. We’re so caught up with where the path is taking us, we forget to enjoy the movement in our body as we stroll, the babbling brook, the glittering light through the trees, and the people traveling with us—asking themselves the same dang questions.
I’ll never know if a different choice in my life will be better, so I should find value between each small moment.
Gasp! I get it now!
It’S ThE JoUrNey, NoT ThE DesTiNaTiON. Will you pass me the butter for my fresh hot corn?
I know this, you know this, but making our time worthwhile is another thing all together.
With the journey in mind, my personal solution is a bit softer than I had wanted, but feels solid enough for now. It’s a two-parter:
No matter what you decide to spend each day doing, try extracting as much value from it as possible. Even when you’re doing dishes or lying in bed with a pain flare up or doing a mundane task at work. That way, if it all goes tits up, you’ll have lived with no regrets. Your life always had meaning, despite any resentment.
Live each day with the goal to delight or enrich the people you interact with most, friends or strangers, rain or shine. Even if nothing goes your way in the game of capitalism—or the game of love—you can look back and feel satisfied you were a caring person in your local community.
So, what is the best use of your time? Maybe the answer for me right now is, simply, to be kind.
Be kind to others.
And be kind to yourself.
This may not solve any of my other questions, but at least it’s a path through the woods.
If you have any recommendations for books or writing on the subject of time in any way, please share in the comments.
When you said that you're afraid to waste your time, but you just end up wasting it anyway, I felt that all the way to my soul. I'm trying not to see anything I do as a waste anymore, but it's definitely not an overnight process 🤎
so good, so lovely, and oh so timely. as a person who spent several years pursuing a phd i don't exactly use anymore, i think about dedicating such a long time to any new things so much. but the time passes by anyway, indecision or not.